As a wedding officiant, I am always impressed with how much forethought and energy a couple puts into their wedding plans. They carefully put thought into every aspect: the music, colors, bridesmaids, groomsmen, the timeline, the guests, the food, the location—and the dress/suit.
They equally plan ahead and prepare financially for the wedding day. They often go on a diet and exercise plan months in advance to look their best on that one, special day.
Remarkably few, however, put the same kind of forethought into the marriage. Personally, I would like to de-emphasize the day and emphasize the quality of the relationship from that day forward.
I’d like to see the same level of forethought, preparation and ongoing effort for creating a healthy marriage, not just the wedding.
One couple I was performing a wedding for asked me about a pre- or post-wedding coaching session but they thought the price was too much, so they passed. The coaching session, which could have prepared them to handle difficulties, create healthy choices, deepen their love, empower them to love themselves, communicate in conscious ways, be better partners, lovers, and parents, and increase their odds of staying married, was “too much money.” But the trip to Hawaii, the hotel, the rental car, the limo, the musician, the dress, the harper, the photographers, and dinner at one of the island’s most expensive restaurants was not. This was clearly not a matter of money, as the session was less than any one of those things; this was a matter of values, priority—and training.
From an early age we, especially girls, are trained to think about our wedding day. All we ever hear about in stories after that magical event is “and they lived happily ever after.” No one has told the story about how Cinderella and Prince Charming managed their relationship after they instantaneously fell in love and knew they were meant for each other. “Relationships 101” were not generally offered in school. And while love and relationships are consistently ranked among our highest values and desires, we are simply not trained in how to successfully achieve that goal.
Here are some things to get you started, preferably before you say, “I do.”
Talk about what you want, hope for and expect. In my book, Intellectual Foreplay (a provocative title that really means “Think First”), I invite individuals and couples to explore some basic questions, starting with your “non-negotiables.” These are different for everyone but may revolve around spirituality, fitness, food preferences, attitudes, goals, lifestyle, money, sexuality, substance use and abuse, family, decision making, problem resolution and parenting. Love is not enough to keep a relationship going or to keep it healthy. If it were, there wouldn’t be a 50-60% divorce rate.
These topics are basically values and priorities, and perspectives can differ greatly from person to person. A surprising number of people jump into marriage, or at least into bed, before they determine whether they have any common ground. Keep in mind that your partner doesn’t have to want or do the exact same things as you, or even believe the same things. You are, after all, not the same person. You do, however, need to have compatible desires, goals and interests, as well as respect for the other person’s choices. If one of you expects the other to go to church every Sunday, or meditate every morning, while the other doesn’t believe in God, the clash of perspectives can overrule love in a heartbeat. Even issues like keeping the television on for background noise can wreak havoc in a relationship if the other thrives in the tranquility of silence. Knowing each other’s needs, and agreeing on the use of shared space can be imperative.
Define your terms. Even though you speak the same language and use the same words, you may be surprised to find you don’t mean the same thing. What does “I love you” mean? What does “being married” mean to you? What does “family” mean and how much time and resources do you each devote to your family of origin? To some people “family” are part of every day life, and to others they are the people you move away from as soon as you are old enough. Knowing your own, and your partner’s perspective will allow you to see how these differences may impact a relationship and even the rearing of your own family together.
Pay attention! Before you get married, evaluate your partner’s appropriateness for you—and vice versa. After you get married, the work is on yourself. Be mindful of the quality of your interactions. Aim to align your behavior with the goal of creating a loving relationship. Relationships are a lot of work, but virtually none of the work is on the other person. When we focus our attention on our own responses, gratitude, abilities, perspectives and creative solutions, we often discover that the solution is not in trying to make the other person change….but in changing the way we respond to the other person. When you say “I do” be clear on what you will do from that moment forward.
from Spirituality & Health Magazine blogs
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from http://ift.tt/1YWCQaF
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